Emerging
“Just when I thought I couldn’t feel more, I feel a little more.” Adrianne Lenker...a tale of anxiety
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Hi!
It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal reflection on here. The last time I checked in, I was in Australia's beautiful and sunny Byron Bay. I was navigating stepping outside of my comfort zone: the furthest I’d ever travelled by myself; experiencing homesickness while leaning into the excitement of being in a new place; rekindling friendships and making new ones. Since coming back and having the time to reflect on my experiences, I’m feeling proud of myself.
I’m in a season of emerging. Emerging from a safe cocoon that also felt at times uncomfortable and strange; I’ve started to feel myself expand beyond the edges of this safety and comfort. I liken this feeling to remembering. I’m taken back to being sixteen, taking a trip to Cornwall with my friend and her family. The world felt exciting and full of possibilities. My daydreams felt within tangible reach—but only so much that they twinkled in my eye.
I remember winding down the endless stairs that led to the beach, legs burning, but heart beating with excitement. We went to dance on the rocks; I wore colourful harem trousers that billowed in the wind. I was wild like the sea. I felt the salt mingle with my skin, become one with it. The brisk wind tousled my hair. I gazed out beyond the horizon, the ocean crashing grey and blue, and I felt so full of life—buzzing with it.
I’m rekindling this sense of wonder. I’m learning to trust and lean into life—even when life feels unbearably heavy, and all I want to do is turn away from the news, social media, from myself, I choose to lean in. Stepping on the shores of Byron, I felt this sense of self returning. I felt the fear I’d been carrying for years begins to shed like old skin. How many hours had I spent dreaming about being on these shores? Watching the surfers catching waves; and seeing salt mist rise off the water and sand, I knew I had made it. But, not in the final sense of the word. I am constantly becoming and undoing myself—is that a part of growing up?
In the past, I’ve been someone who relies heavily on others—leaning on relationships for safety. It was only last year that I realised how anxious I had become. I always knew it, but it came into stark focus when I experienced a debilitating panic attack. Walking in my local woodland area, alone, I was struck by the typical symptoms of a severe panic attack (extreme chest pains, feeling faint, blurry vision, couldn’t breathe). Experiencing this alone, in the woods, cracked me open to a feeling of vulnerability I had never experienced before.
Following this experience, I took a trip to Lisbon with a friend during the spring of last year. I was eager to step into reclaiming the side of myself that felt excited by exploration and adventure—I’ve always loved travel, and before Covid, I had done solo travel. I trusted in my abilities and that I could resource myself in moments of unease. However, I had lost this part of myself. Experiencing lockdown, and other personal experiences during this time had left me rattled and completely dysregulated.
Winding through streets in the warm night, the sky shifting to a deep blue, the smell of fresh food wafting out of open doors with Fado singers lingering in the darkness at the backs of restaurants, I felt that same panic rise within me, out of nowhere. Over dinner, my friend said to me how I had changed, worry etched across her face. My mind would run riot with worry over things that I didn’t need to worry about. This was the first moment someone took me aside and said, are you okay? This broke me, but it woke me up.
Jump to February, I took a flight to Australia to see a dear friend at the start of this year. I was feeling ready to make this big trip by the end of 2023. I hadn’t felt ready before this point, so this was a huge step for me. I could feel myself once again (or maybe for the first time) building a home within my body. A home that I take care of, and it takes care of me.
reflected the feelings I’ve been experiencing—as she often does—so perfectly: “I realize I am the adult now, the one who needs to do the saving of myself, and part of me wants to return to versions who could wait around for someone else to do it.”All this is to say, I’m emerging once again. Perhaps life is just a series of ebbs and flows, where we retreat into ourselves to eventually emerge again, stronger and more sure of ourselves. Nothing is static. I’m ready to leave behind the old shell of the version of myself that has struggled to trust life, to trust myself. I think what I’m also learning is that ‘emergence’ doesn’t have to look any particular way. Emergence can also be a form of retreat—we can turn inward to tend to the places that need our attention, and this is the process of emerging.
Journal Prompts:
What does emergence look like and feel like to you?
How can you honour your emergence this week?
If you are new here:
Hi, I’m Hannah!
I'm a writer & creative mentor based in the UK, a regular writing contributor to the transformational learning platform, Advaya, and work within the climate space focusing on fostering resilience amongst young people. I’m also a student of Zen Buddhism, an avid reader, and a lover of the natural world.
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Hannah x
...a great time of year to let go of the past and step back into the world 🌿✨️
I think the ripples of what Covid measures did to our nervous systems/spirit are still being felt…it seems like no one escaped without some new level or experience of anxiety. I too found it hard to solo travel again in 2022, and felt frustrated at myself for being so “weak” — I’m glad you got yourself halfway round the world to settle into your emerging self! I just wrote an update on my page The Bardo called exactly that ‘Emerging’ it’s a beautiful energy to be in.